I was talking with my friend Sylvia about the cozy, gorgeous, one-bedroom apartment on Pearl Street in Boulder that I want. It’s effectively double what I’ve ever paid for rent in my life.
I told her this, and then immediately remarked how if I didn’t get it, well, I had always wanted to travel during the Winter… which is true, and still mostly true. But I’ve been needing a nest so much more as I grow and expand. A mother home. A cocoon.
She replied that I need to believe I deserve it.
I thought, ok, I could see this as an, “I’m not worthy,” thing. I know this phrase, I know this belief. And I wasn’t sure it was the case—I do think I’m worthy.
I do… Right?
Sylvia reflected back to me what I was saying:
You’re giving yourself excuses: “I’ve always wanted to travel in Winter anyway…”—but you want the apartment. “I want a home, and I don’t want to put my stuff in storage, even though I won’t be around for most of Winter anyway…”—but you want the apartment. “I want a space that can be mine, but maybe it’s not worth the money…” but you still want the apartment! Those other desires don’t change that.
And I realized that I had been giving myself my own ultimatum.
I thought that I could either have the apartment, or I could travel.
But neither situation in isolation of the other gives me what I really want, which is a sanctuary in a city I adore that has created a home, a real home, in my heart—and the ability to be free and travel when I want at the same time. I was putting restrictions on myself that I had to have one or the other. And I see that I had always made it that way.
And if I give myself an ultimatum, well, I can only have one of the two options, now can’t I? After all, I’m certainly not leaving room for another possibility.
It’s my choice to let in the reality that I can have both, that both can exist, that I have space and money for both. That I deserve both. And that I can rock both.
Today, I am someone who is worthy.
I want a space that reflects back to me the care I give it, where I can explore my softness and the art of nourishing and nesting. And I also want space for exploration in places of the world that call to me, that take me out of my shell and ultimately further into myself.
So. Today, I am someone who stops giving herself ultimatums.
Today, I am someone who witnesses two halves of a whole, two reflections of the same thing: my desire to experience magic, life, love, and exploration in all its forms.
UPDATE: After much back-and-forth, I was approved for my apartment. The first and only one I went to see and immediately knew I wanted. Pearl St. in 2014: here I come!
2015/2016 UPDATE: I still live here and am so incredibly glad I made this decision. The universe has—as it always does when we make decisions completely in alignment with our truth— come to meet me financially. While I still have a ways to go in being what I would call financially free, this additional cost has been completely absorbed by the new things I’ve been doing and intentions I’ve been creating. Yay! If you have a similar story, I’d love to hear it. Tweet to me and I’ll reply!