Tag Archives: introspection

Stuck In A Suffering-Healing Cycle? Here’s What’s Really Going On

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I advocate for taking 100% responsibility for our realities and relationships.

However, this belief has sometimes had the interesting effect of causing me to accept behavior that feels truly emotionally abusive and narcissistic.

In fact, these “spiritual” beliefs, when misunderstood, can actually disempower people and encourage them to stay in relationships that are unhealthy.

Our “conscious” wisdom tells us we should stay in partnerships that trigger us because they are good for us.

Because through them we can heal our primary caretaker wounds, our attachment issues, our childhood traumas, our [insert your favorite self-help term here].

Because we should be able to accept and love what’s showing up for us, and if not, well—we’re not “doing our work.”

(But wait—don’t say “should!”)

I am here to say: Fuck. That.

Elizabeth DiAlto speaks to this more eloquently when she distinguishes between resistance vs. dissonance.

“In the self-help and personal development world, there is so much emphasis on owning your side of things, noticing your triggers, etc. And we sometimes internalize and put pressure on ourselves to get okay with things or to lean into things that just simply aren’t healthy for us. And we override knowing better for ourselves,” she says.

“Whereas resistance begs inquiry, dissonance does not. Dissonance says: ‘not for you, move on.’ When something is healthy for you, it’s useful or productive in some way. Which means in no way is it punishing, self-sacrificial nor does it constantly trigger you into coping or dissociative behavior.”

So, guess what.

You don’t have to suffer to heal your issues.

Hardship? Sure.

Feeling and inquiring into your pain? Of course.

Conflict that results in discovery and deepening and doesn’t diminish your light and life? Yes!

But, staying in continual patterns of suffering to “heal your wounds” is simply another form of self-punishment.

This can be threaded back to unhealthy societal patterns we learned through religion, our parents, instilled “martyr” syndrome, etc.

You might think you’re being super spiritual and strong, but you’re actually buying into the same Type-A, aggressive, overly masculinized culture we were raised in—your ego has just tricked you to think it’s for the sake of “evolution.”

It’s a trap.

You don’t have to suffer to heal your issues.

Unless you believe that you do.

Then, fuck. You definitely do.

P.S. This is something I have to relearn over and over again. Sending you hugs if you’re in it. 💜 Let me know if I can help get you out of it.

The Flourishing Feminine’s Morning Routine: ENJOY

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I recently stumbled on Hal Elrod’s Miracle Morning technique through my partner, who was on the hunt for a morning routine he could stick to. One of the main takeaways he received from Hal’s book is the concept of SAVERS to start the day.

SAVERS stands for: Silence, Affirmations, Visualizations, Exercise, Reading and Scribing. The idea is that you do each of these six things for 10 minutes every morning, for a total of an hour of activity.

Many people love it (including one of my heroes, Pat Flynn), but when I tried it, I found it to feel too rigid.

“DOMINATE YOUR DAY BEFORE BREAKFAST” is just not my flow, y’all.

Being the creative feminine that I am, I wanted to design a morning routine that felt more… Open. Flowy. Receptive. Yin.

So, allow me to introduce you to ENJOY.

ENJOY is my feminine answer to the morning routine.

It’s a gentle, nourishing practice you can do in 30 minutes to ground you in your body, activate your mind, tune into your heart and feel your soul’s cravings.

It even has two tracks, depending on how you’re feeling and what kind of day you’re having (a work day vs. a play day, perhaps, or an ambitious day vs. a wandering day).

  • E is for Embodiment
  • N is for Nourishing
  • J is for Journaling
  • Y is for Yielding

However, O can be modified.

  • O can stand for Organizing or Orienting

If you’re hungry for more, read on!

E is for Embodiment.

Embodiment gets me so creatively juiced up, and I believe it is truly an important way to access stuck emotions and unblock new, creative information that wants to get through to us.

This might mean simply getting on your yoga mat and doing some stretches or downward-facing dog; if you’re on your menstrual cycle, it can be doing slow, hip-sip movements on the floor or massaging your womb. If you’re feeling really vibrant, you can jump on your goddess pole (what, not everyone has one?), play with hula hoops outside or do a more hardcore workout blitz.

The main intention? Wiggle parts of you around, and see if they have any information for you.

Let your hands flow all over your body if you like. Personally, I usually find I need to liberate my pelvis and lower back in the morning, so doing cat/cows, bridges and just moving my hips in slow circles while kneeling on the floor works really well for me.

Kathlyn Hendricks says that by simply moving, we can free up space for expression and conversation. “Deep, delicious embodiment,” she writes, “is not only pleasurable, it contributes to better health, a longer life, stronger relationships—and even more creativity!”

Ask your body what it needs, and let your movement be the response.

Models for inspiration: Elizabeth DiAlto, Lara Catone, Kathlyn Hendricks

N is for Nourishment.

This step is about nourishing the digestive system to get it working optimally for you.

Step into your day with either a mug of hot lemon water or nourishing tea (I love a combination of nettles, red raspberry leaf and oatstraw, as they all build blood and contain so many nutrients for the body).

In the hot days of summer, I love the practice of squeezing half an orange and half a lemon into a 24 oz. mason jar and filling it with fresh mountain water.

Nourishment can also mean noticing and digesting what came up for you during your movement practice. How do you feel today now that you’re connected to your body?

As you make and sip your morning elixir, notice if you’re feeling lighter about your day, more free in your body… or if you just aren’t feeling your morning practice today and want to rush through it. It’s all okay.

Models for inspiration: The Conscious Cleanse ladies, Marysia Miernowska, Kimberly Snyder

J is for Journaling.

This is essential for me. It’s so essential that, when I get into an avoidant, downpressed state, this is the #1 thing that I avoid.

And yet, writing just for myself—not for a blog or magazine—is what allows me to access the deeper discoveries I need to continue living a path that’s most authentic to me in my work and relationships.

Writing helps me drop into a soft, still space inside myself from which to pull gems or ashes or weeds, depending on the day.

I recommend dedicating a specific journal to your morning scribbles, deep-dives or conversations with yourself. Find one that sings to you and make music with it.

If you want to cultivate journaling in a consistent way: Be aware of your Writer Life as an entity. Writing is a practice in the way that worship, yoga or religion can be. You can go to your place of worship or practice—you have the faith, you believe in the deity or guru. But, you also have to perform little rituals to keep the faith: put on your Sunday best, pray, meditate, do half-moon pose. These daily practices help you maintain the faith, connection and fire.

(Want more on this subject? I was interviewed on a podcast with the exquisite Raquel Alexandra where we talk in-depth about the connection between embodiment and writing.)

Models for inspiration: Amber Rae, Julia Cameron, Susannah Conway

O is for Organizing or Orienting.

Now we begin thinking about our day ahead.

If you’re orienting, you might simply ask: What direction would you like today to go? What do you have on your plate that you really want to keep there? And: What do you have on your plate that really doesn’t nourish you, but keeps being served to you anyway?

Keep your journal handy for this one (or your to-do list if you’re organizing). A question I love to ask is:

What are three things that will make today magical and memorable?

If your day is jam-packed and ambitious and you’re really needing some space to drop into it all, organizing your day (notes, to-dos, creating space in your calendar for you, etc.) might feel better to you. 

Models for inspiration: Holistic Day Design (my way of planning)

Y is for Yielding.

If you have time for nothing else, make sure you do this final step.

Yielding is surrendering to the divine. This can look like meditating, sitting in silence, visualization or just sitting in a wonder-space, dreaming up what feels right.

Yielding is what we do when we ask the question that matters, which is: “What do I want to come through me today? What would my highest Self have me do today?”

Here are the various ways I’ve practiced yielding:

  • feeling all the love in my heart expand
  • admiring whatever song is playing
  • visualizing what I’m craving as something I already have
  • breathing and focusing on where I can move breath in my body

Models for inspiration: Marianne Williamson, Julie Dickinson

Music for your 6-minute intervals:

I find that the timing goes much more smoothly for me if I’m not setting five 6-minute alarms on my phone. Just set up a playlist of songs that are close to 6 minutes; then, it’s easy to choose the ones you like that day and move them in the order you desire (or else let it be random!) and hit Play.

6-minute (ish) songs I have on my playlist:

  • Angel by Massive Attack (6:20)
  • Egyptic by Beats Antique (5:50)
  • Secrets by Goddess Alchemy Project (6:11)
  • Between Two Points by Glitch Mob (5:33)
  • Light by Dr. Toast (5:34)
  • Cinder and Smoke by Iron & Wine (5:44)
  • Rondeña by Antonia Gomez (5:45)
  • Timelapse by Ludovico Einaudi (5:32)
  • Saraswati by Desert Dwellers (6:39)
  • Hayling by FC Kahuna (6:48)
  • Up All Night by The Waifs (5:53)
  • Slip by Elliot Moss (5:04)

Combine some of the short-of-6-mins ones with the longer-than-6-mins ones and you’re golden.

This isn’t about being a stick in the mud to the 6-min rule, either. If you’ve got more time, do each for 8 mins for a 40-min practice. Not a lot of time? Do each for 3 mins for a 15-min practice.

Let me know what you think over on the public Facebook post!

Photo credit: (1

I’m Discontinuing My Coaching and Course. Here’s Why.

I want to write you an honest letter about “coaching.”

It seems to me that the word has become diluted.

In some forms, coaching has become another way sell a quick fix—to sell the belief that if you pay for an hour of coaching, what you want to be “fixed” will automatically be fixed.

First of all, that’s a lot of pressure on a coach! Second of all, it’s practically impossible.

Anyone who tells you they can transform your life in 60 minutes is selling you a lie.

And, it might not be on purpose. There are people you can spend an hour with who can completely shift your perspective, calling you to your gifts and how to live your life through them, showcase them and offer them up for value in the world…

But that still takes work, time and energy after the session is over.

Someone looking for an hour-long quick fix with no additional input or intention afterward is not going to find what they’re looking for.

Because the only person who can transform your life is you.

And so, in an effort to dive into and evaluate this, I’m putting my one-time coaching and current course on indefinite hold.

Why?

I want to offer more value to people, I want to put less pressure on myself, and I want to feel valued in what I’m offering—to the point where I don’t have to constantly market or cobble together one-time clients to make an income for myself.

Besides, for most coaches, a one-hour session isn’t just that hour. It’s at least an hour of preparation beforehand, perhaps sending a client a questionnaire and reviewing it, perhaps more. Then, it’s maybe 30 minutes each way of transit time to and from the session if it’s in-person (a lot of mine are). Then, it’s another hour of writing and curating a follow-up email with action steps, strategies and notes from our session as a keepsake.

That’s four hours minimum of work, not counting the marketing to reach that client.

I also often discount my one-time session coaching (another dilution I’m stopping), depending on the circumstances.

Which often means I end up not feeling valued, because I’m not valuing my work at the level I need to be. And this translates to the client not receiving optimal value either.

This work is valuable, but I have little space to do it if I’m worrying about making a sale every time I send an email.

So. I’m discontinuing my coaching and current course indefinitely.

And I’m offering a one-price package in case you want to grab them before I take them offline on Jan. 1.

One price. Three things. No other options.

You’ll get:

  1. My Manifest Like a Mofo 9-week online course (Cost: $188)
  2. A 60-min Coaching Session to be used before Jan. 15, 2016 (Cost: $200)
  3. My Holistic Day Design Productivity Atlas* (Cost: $21)

That totals to $409.

Right now, you can grab all three for $177. You can also gift them to someone.

coaching package 2015Here’s the only link to grab the $177 package. That’s my final offer.

Also, if you don’t use your coaching session before Jan. 15, 2016, it will disappear into the ether (which is the same place it will go if you aren’t ready to put in the work after the session is over). :)

(*I am going to keep offering my Holistic Day Design packet and my Revive & Strategize Weekend, but those will be undergoing some major renovations in the coming months.)

I cannot even explain how freeing and exciting and nerve-wracking this feels inside me. How terrifying, really. I’m someone who believes in money channels. That money flows through us via channels, and we can turn them on and off… And, I ask myself: Do I really want to close off this channel? What if another one doesn’t open up?

And yet… I can’t help noticing the feeling of freedom and aliveness writing this to you.

So, I’m doing it.

To open up to new ways of being and offering, and really focusing on what I want to share and create that can be of immense value.

Here’s to an amazing 2016.

How Jayson Gaddis Lives All of Him: On Relationship As a Vehicle for Self-Knowledge

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This is part of the Live All of You Interview Series! For more on what this is all about, head over to the intro post and make sure to sign up to find out who I’ll be interviewing next.

As I mentioned in my last interview with Sara Avant Stover, October is Boulder, Colorado month. The Live All of You interviews featured during this month are all with people who call Boulder home—just like I do.

Jayson Gaddis is a breakthrough marriage and relationship teacher for smart, successful people. He helps get people the relationship results they want—fast—and only works with the most motivated of individuals and couples who really want to change their patterns for good. He is also the host of the Smart Couple Podcast.

Outside on his lovely balcony in Boulder, we talked about the value of moving toward our pain, how relationship can help us understand ourselves, and the real value of our stories.

Let’s hear from him.

Continue reading How Jayson Gaddis Lives All of Him: On Relationship As a Vehicle for Self-Knowledge

How Tonya Leigh Lives All of Her: On Leisure, Hustle and The Power of Adornment

IMG_9060This is part of the Live All of You Interview Series! For more on what this is all about, head over to the intro post and make sure to sign up to find out who I’ll be interviewing next.

For my very first interview in the Live All of You Series, I am so happy to introduce you to my fellow Coloradan, Tonya Leigh. An admitted hedonist, Francophile, romantic and insatiable curator of experiences, Tonya is an absolute joy to behold.

She’s a certified Master Coach, an internationally-trained sommelier, and a joie de vivre instigator for women of every age. And she fuses all her passions into her business, French Kiss Life (which is part of her credo: “French Kiss Life. Cherish The World. And The Rest Will Follow”).

Tonya truly lives what she teaches, and I’m proud to introduce her to Live All of You readers as one of the women who inspires me to live fully.

Read on for the full interview! Continue reading How Tonya Leigh Lives All of Her: On Leisure, Hustle and The Power of Adornment

What gives our purchases meaning?

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It’s Black Friday, and my partner and I have Apple fatigue. We purchased three Apple products online today, as gifts for ourselves and for others.

In dialogue through these transactions, we felt an eclectic mixture of tension, stress, excitement and guilt. I started to question my specific purchase and asked him for help. He brought up to me the idea of excess, which for me translates to not feeling worthy of things and learning how to receive—but for him, it was more a conversation of not wanting to buy anything he wouldn’t actively use for fear of “waste.”

Continue reading What gives our purchases meaning?

Movement as Meditation: An Homage to My Yoga Practice (and An Announcement)

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I attended a Zen Buddhism class once in which the instructor said that yoga was “not a great form of meditation.” We were in a yoga studio.

But for me, yoga is embodied meditation.

Author and Conscious Lover Kathlyn Hendricks once told me:

We start by whatever door we come in.

For me, movement is not a distraction. It’s a vehicle for me to move in more deeply.

Continue reading Movement as Meditation: An Homage to My Yoga Practice (and An Announcement)